Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Why Bother?

Why do I even bother anymore? Why do I even try to please the people around me when all they've done is pretty much treat me like shit? What did I do to receive this kind of karma, or is it all in my mind?

This is going to be a rather off topic post so FYI..

I've been searching all my life for a companion, someone who is like minded... I've tried and yet my friendships dwindle after a year or two. Growing up my so-called best friends left me after two years... mysteriously. They would move, have excuses, etc I never understood that. I think part of it I am bored with them, people don't ask me to do things and I'm afraid if I am the initiator I'll be taken advantage of because that's happened in the past. I feel like people take advantage of me because of my good nature, I don't mind offering my services to people, but it comes to the point where its like, where's my turn? My friendships usually turn into one sided friendships which I hate.

Why do I try to be the best I can be when no one around me appreciates what I do?

I try to please my parents but its just so difficult... last time I spoke with them I told them I was probably getting at least an A- in Modern Art and all they gave me was a "good for you". That's it?

I am sick and tired of pushing to achieve to be finally be good at something and then it all come crashing down on me. I was never considered good at anything naturally.

I don't want to be complaining on here, but I'm kind of fed up.

I am tired of giving my sympathy and getting nothing in return.

I am tired of being there for people when they are never there for me.

I really wish I could stop caring about all this, but this has gone on throughout my life.

Each stage of my life (middle school, high school + College) I thought it would be different. Yes, it only got a little better... but not really.

People make me happy, I love being around people and cracking jokes and making people laugh.

But when it comes time for close relationships or friendships, forget it. Not gonna happen.


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